Special Report: Christians Concerned About Noah Movie

After seeing multiple news reports over the controversy caused by the upcoming film depiction of the story of Noah, I took it upon myself to do some investigative journalism.  Note:  Some facts may lack “truthiness”, and all of this may be completely made up to reflect public absurdity. (Though one quote has been validated.)

NASHVILLE, TN   Darren Aronofsky’s Noah opens in theaters tomorrow, and churchgoing Christians are all abuzz. They have been eagerly anticipating the release of the $130M blockbuster for the past several months, and their reasons for excitement are as varied as the early reviews of the film. Some are curious to see how the movie might affirm their faith, while others are anxious to see what liberties the producers have taken with the ancient text from Genesis.


Stan Marchand, director of the Institute for Biblical Belief says that the film’s interpretation of the great flood is encouraging to many Christians.

“Sure, the film has a wacky six-armed angel. But if you look past that, we believe the film provides Biblical basis for our firm stance on the environment. It proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God wants us to rely more on wind power and vehicles constructed from natural products, rather than fossil fuels and made-made materials. That’s what the story of Noah is all about.”

When confronted with other potential meanings such as God’s sovereign nature or the strength of a tested faith, Marchand replied, “I guess you could see it that way. But I think it’s more about God’s love of windmills and organic glue.”

Still, protests abound throughout the United States. Some churches have boycotted the film due to what they feel is a gross misinterpretation of one of the foundational stories of the Bible.

Johnathan Fillmore, a devout Christian who attended an early premiere, notes, “I thought it was pretty good up until Russell Crowe opened his pie hole. When I heard him start talking with that Australian accent, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

He added, “Anybody who reads the Bible knows Noah speaks American.”

Others were even more critical of the historical inaccuracies of the picture. Dr. Ian Gunderson, professor of Biblical Statistics at the University of Warrington says of the film’s producers, “They don’t know a cubit from a Q-Bert.” (referring to the popular 80’s arcade game). “That ark was way too big. Evan Almighty’s ark was much more realistic. Except for the part where Steve Carrell had trained monkeys help him build it.”

Though Gunderson conceded, “I was happy they didn’t have Noah sing like he did in Les Miserables. We dodged a bullet on that one.”

Evidence aside, some influential Christians see the overall message of the picture as troubling. They believe the crux of the story has been lost in translation from text to screen, which could be a major threat to the faith itself.

Popular talk show host Glenn Beck took to the airwaves earlier in the week, saying, “It was awful,” and denounced the film as “pro animal” and “strongly anti-human.” Elizabeth Holcomb, president of the Organization for Christian Intolerance (OCI), echoed Beck’s comments.

“Noah’s a vegetarian?! Puh-lease! All this heavy-handed emphasis on saving the animals from destruction turns the movie into a two-hour political commercial from PETA. I’m concerned that tens of millions of Christians who see the film will start spending more time enjoying and protecting God’s creation than they do in church. This kind of thing can do a lot of damage. Remember how Madonna single-handedly ruined Christianity with her ‘Like A Prayer’ stunt back in 1989? And that was a five-minute music video.”

The Lord God Almighty, citing previous commitments of far greater importance, was unavailable for comment.



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19 responses to “Special Report: Christians Concerned About Noah Movie

  1. I felt the same way about the presentation of the film “The Bible” In my view it was off base as far as scripture too and depicted the characters in the Bible in a 21st century type culture. It was entertainment only as I am sure Noah is, and should be taken as that, probably.

  2. So far everything I have read or heard about this movie has helped me to determine that I have no desire whatsoever on wasting my money on it. I will stick to reading the account of Noah in my Bible. Those words I can trust. Thanks for taking the time to write this piece,

  3. Technically, Noah was vegetarian. Eating meat wasn’t permitted until after the flood. Don’t believe me? Go back to Genesis and read for yourself.

  4. House Family

    I like your sense of humor! Pretty funny!

  5. Great comments everyone! I do think that no matter how good the movie is, God will probably say “the book was waaaaaay better.”

  6. You are too funny.
    For myself, Noah looks interesting. I like Russel Crowe, too. I will probably watch it when it comes out at the Red box but I am not going to seek out anything produced in Hollywood to affirm my faith.
    I will watch it to be entertained and nothing more.

  7. Oh come on, it’s obviously just like the book…. it’s Russell Crowe, for cryin’ out loud! In a kilt. thing. And it’s raining and there are lots of animals. How much more accurate a story do you want?

  8. You have astute readers!!!! This was a funny post since like ARRivera, I don’t seek out Hollywood to affirm my faith. Perhaps it’s because “epic” movies like the old Charleton Hester “Moses” et al was a genre unto itself. At that time we didn’t look to movies to affirm out faith.
    Enjoyed your humor – it was just the right touch in all the brouhaha (Gee, between “astute” and “brouhaha”, you might think I’m an English major – not so.)


    Can a atheistic director actually do a bible story without a hidden agenda?

  10. You know something, the word of God is alive, and life changing. This movie will be forgotten in about 12 months. The more Christians get up in arms and protest, the longer they make it last. Happened with that movie “The davinci code” And now it’s forgotten in the $1 section of the video store. See it if you want to see a good fable and like Rusty. If not lets just move on.

      • You are absolutely right about the word of God which lasts forever, and the works of men which are like the grass that withers.

        It does not follow that we shouldn’t be outraged at the world’s trying to pull the wool over the eyes of Christians that this movie somehow stuck to the integrity of the word of God as Aronofsky has claimed. We should be upset, we should not be surprised. And anyone who gets uncomfortable with that needs to recognise that when someone you love with utter devotion and have laid down your life for gets blasphemed in such an ugly way, getting angry is the normal response. It is not wrong or sinful.

  11. Forsuchatimeasthis

    The real damage is that the fallen angels, Nephiim, are presented as helpers of mankind resembling an alien race. This paves the way for the general public population to accept demons masquerading as a superior benevolent race in the end times (explaining away the rapture as they removed the evil Christians from the earth), and presents fallen angels – demons – as misunderstood by an unforgiving, distant, unapproachable, unavailable, silent God whose only word is destruction. It aligns the fallen angels with human beings, both were disobedient to God, the movie points our, sharing the same destiny (which is totally false, the demons are headed for eternal damnation while every human being has the offer for redemption and salvation, therefore aligning with each other. This is exactly what will happen to non believers in the end times, they will be deceived by the antichrist and his spiritual team of demons. It paves the way for a great deception for acceptance of the antichrist and demons. This could be the only relic left of the Bible when the antichrist attempts to destroy all Christian literature and what a damaging, distorted account no way resembling anything biblical. Noah is presented as an equivalent of Cain from whom descended the nephilim in wanting to kill his own offspring he is suddenly on pro “choice” against God’s command to preserve life and multiply. Would any non believer want to call him their ancestor and of the roots of their faith? A great damage is being done by this movie and I pray the creators of this junk will realize that this will cause many to be deceived, come to repentance and not receive the greater judgment and damnation for all they are leading astray. He apparently has gotten some material from the book of Enoch which the fallen angels told him to write, in part their history. Now Satan is the author of lies, so we believers don’t believe the garbage that the fallen angels wanted to repent and God would not accept them back, but many will and feel, that with the alliance between man and the fallen angels depicted in the movie that they themselves are rejected by God and cannot receive forgiveness. For such a time as this, the fallen angels told their distorted history, to turn many against God in the end times.

    • Forsuchatimeasthis

      And another thing. God leaving it up to man to decide if the human race should continue? Hardly, that is leaving it to the will of mankind when the human race and all of creation was created by the will of God and its history and culmination will be the will of God, not the will of man. The will of Satan is for all mankind to be destroyed and souls to receive eternal damnation, not God, His will is that “not one be lost”, Would he really let all of mankind go down a slope into perdition, thus fulfilling the will of Satan? Of course not, but of course someone who has no spiritual discernment “Knows not what he does”. The enemy’s whole aim was to destroy mankind before Christ could be born and thus achieve his aim, taking the whole human race with him into perdition. Yes, we are given individual choice and an individual will but God did not leave the whole collective creation to decide its collective destiny and willy nilly bend to the will of man and say “Well, I guess Satan wins”.. It’s sad that people like the creator of this film actually believe that they have wisdom and discernment and are going to set people straight on what really happened between mankind, the fallen angels, and God when they don’t have the Holy Spirit to illuminate the Bible for them. So I ask you, if the Spirit of God did not guide this movie, is it hard to guess who/what did influence it? And of course a non believer would not study the Bible to the extent that devoted believers do, so how he could think he has insight would be ludicrous if it weren’t capable of doing so much damage. Now the muslims can express outrage at a movie defiling Allah so that the president makes an apology but whose going to apologize for this movie?

  12. WG Knight

    If you read real history like James The Brother of Jesus by Eisner, I believe, you would already know Jesus was vegetarian. There is historical evidence for this. I won’t even think about the fact that most historians believe Paul was a con. Remember knock and the door will be open and seek and ye shall find? You can’t just believe what others believe. Keep learning. Try to really know who Christ was. Support our religious movies. Lately I have felt Christians are busy trying to tell others what to believe because they think they have all the answers. It takes a life time of study. I’m going to keep my mouth shut and try to develop my own beliefs about religion. I appreciate any religious movie. I try to support all of them. I think Le Miserables was very religious but most of the Christians I asked never went to see it. I appreciate Mr. Crow.

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